Plight of the Introvert 2: Can't Trust Myself to Trust

It isn't easy for me to trust people, not in a deep, meaningful manner. It is always difficult for me to really open up. For good or ill, this isn't necessarily obvious to most people, as I am also fairly open and sensitive, unafraid of crying or being emotional in front of others. That might seem like I am just confused - and believe me, it can be confusing- but it is a situation with deep roots and is anything but simple.

I don't want to have anything to hide. I am not afraid of being known; my fears, my failures, my doubts. If it were simply an issue of sharing my struggles, then there would be no issue.

I have been hurt, had my trust betrayed, in significant ways by some of the people I trusted the most. I am naturally slow in trusting people, but after experiencing so much hurt, it often feels impossible to feel comfortable opening up with almost anyone.

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people I know I can trust. But there is a significant difference between intellectual trust and emotional trust; I can know fully that I can trust someone and still be unable to truly open up. And try as I might, it's just not something I can force, and I often can't identify why I can't open up with certain people.

In some cases, I can be completely honest, baring everything, and have it be unfruitful. I could pour my heart out and tell you everything on my mind, but my emotional walls will remain up and I won't feel like I really got anything off my chest. And again, I can't identify what makes those few that I can trust different from everyone else.

I am not sure how to break through these walls. I try to be honest and open, and that does help to a degree, but it doesn't break past that invisible barrier. For now, I have to stick to those select few and hope they are available when I need them, because I am honestly at a loss what to do when they aren't. 

For those that think you might not be one of that small group, don't feel bad; it is more about me than anything else. There are plenty I should be able to trust, but for whatever reason I remain closed off even when baring my soul to them.

For those I can trust (you should know who you are)... Or more accurately, for those with whom I can be truly vulnerable... Thank you. Thank you.