I moved this weekend, hauling my massive library in countless boxes to my new place over several trips. I also brought some furniture and clothes. It was a lot of work, and while it wasn't incredibly difficult, it was time consuming. But doing so made me confront something about myself that I had been vaguely aware of, but had never fully realized.
I hate asking for help. I know that's fairly common, but I take it a step farther; I hate receiving help. I had several people offer to help me (Courtney, Diana/Jack, Uncle Shawn, my family, and more; thank you all), but I insisted on doing it myself. Part of it was knowing where I wanted to put things, sure, but for the most part, I had no good reason to decline help. I got a little assistance with the stuff I absolutely could not do on my own (thanks, Brent and Shane), but for the most part, I did the entire thing completely on my own. And I don't know why.
Usually, if something is possible for me to do alone, I will opt to do so. There are plenty of things that would go so much faster, and so much easier, if I have help (like, say, moving), but for some reason I refuse assistance. It's not even a conscious thing most of the time. I turned down help from everyone instinctually, knowing I could do it on my own; no need to inconvenience anyone else, regardless of the fact that they volunteered (and some virtually insisted). It know it wasn't pride, as I really don't care about accomplishing this on my own or anything like that. In fact, I think I would have enjoyed it more had I had help, not so much because it would have been easier (although it certainly would have), but because I would have had time with people I love. So why do I do it? Why do I refuse help when offered, and why can't I bring myself to ask for help when I need it?
I honestly don't know.
It's been frustrating me ever since I stopped and thought about it when I was nearly finished unloading my last trip. I could have had time with Courtney. I could have had time with Jack and Diana. With Uncle Shawn. Ryan Halverson. Jaemie and Ryan. My family. My church. I could have been connecting with people I love and care about, who mean a lot to me, and sharing an important part of my life with those who are already an important part of my life.
And I am crying writing this. I don't even know why. I didn't realize how hard this is.
It all leaves me with a thought: If I can't even understand myself, how can I ever claim to really know someone else? I don't mean that in a defeatist manner; I mean it to inspire, to motivate. Never make assumptions. Always seek to understand deeper. If I have such difficulty knowing even my own motivations, it is foolish to ever assume I know the motivations of another. Give the benefit of the doubt. Let my weakness inspire and inform how I treat others; make it a strength.
I feel like I am aware of a lot of my weaknesses, but don't have answers to most of them; causes, solutions, anything. But I know I am in a great place in that regard, because even if I don't have any answers, I could be far worse; I could be ignorant entirely.
Joel, I do it. My dad did it. His dad did it. I don't believe that spirits curse successive generations but I do believe that we pass on hurtful patterns. This one is more heinous than it looks.
ReplyDeleteFind your way out and be ready to show the way for your siblings. I'm here for whatever you need.
Here's what I experience:
Anger. I get angry when people try to help. I cover it up by trying to generate feelings of heroism ("you have too much to do. I can handle this"). Then I resent it when I have to do the thing myself. All the while I'm trying to put the brakes on. Trying to stop the anger and resentment. It got a lot worse when I got married, because there was always someone there to recurve the rejection and resentment. I felt guilty about that.
Loneliness. This is a specific way I isolate. And it hurts.
But I can't reach out. It's too hard to explain to anybody else. I'm so vulnerable that a simple pat answer can destroy me inside (even while I'm smiling and saying thanks). It gets deep quick and I get farther away.
Some ways I've fought back:
Prayer: usually, "Jesus, help!"
Music: hymns work best. Eases the hyper-intense self focus.
Reaching out: text, "how are you?" To someone. I tell someone who understands, "I'm isolated and don't want to be"
When I'm not in a situation where it's obvious that I need a hand (or I don't need a hand) I try to find ways of bringing others into what I'm doing.
This may look like a lie to you because I do it so poorly, but there are times...
I'll be praying for you. I love you. Let's beat this thing!